my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
