Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
