They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
