I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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