dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize