He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
