just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
