im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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