The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Of course I have a pirate flag
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
