Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I party with great urgency now.
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