she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I can feel your judgement through the phone
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
