Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
