new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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