Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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