FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
