My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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