drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just had sex bonerless
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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