Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
