Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
