Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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