3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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