Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
