Midget sex pt 2 tonight
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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