I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
