look no pants
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
