I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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