He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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