somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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