I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
