the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
