remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Randomize
