my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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