bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
In America we eat man semen.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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