mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
