Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
