I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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