just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
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