I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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