when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
