Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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