we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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