I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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