i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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