Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
