I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
