I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
