Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
