Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
why do cheetos always look like penises
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Randomize
