can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
