went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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