Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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