I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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