Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
