Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
