The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
