There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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