it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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