Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
