his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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