the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
